


the struggle goes both ways

by vettel



Category: Political Animals
Genre: Canon Compliant, Codependency, Established Relationship, M/M, Possessive Behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-21
Updated: 2014-06-21
Packaged: 2018-02-05 15:05:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1822789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vettel/pseuds/vettel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doug's never been able to deny his brother anything. Worse, he's never been able to deny himself TJ.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the struggle goes both ways

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kissoffools](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kissoffools/gifts).



> I hope that this was the type of codependent, ' _angsty, it's-wrong-but-feels-right, h/c_ ' you were looking for!

He isn't sure how he missed it. Doug tells himself that he was swamped with work, even in his few off-hours his mom was constantly calling him over to the house, inventing reasons just so that he'd be forced to trail after her like he and TJ did when they were younger. It's not that Doug minds, it gets him away from Anne. Still, there's only so many nights that she'll stand him not coming home before she's somehow more deserving of this time, forcing him to actively give it to her instead of lazily having her tag along to press events and dinners where there's likely to be some type of press waiting to take a picture. 

TJ slips through the cracks, goes off to find some boy to spend his time with like he always does, a routine they've perfected over the years, both of them too good-looking to be single for long, a red flag that'll have people asking questions. Twins being thick as thieves are cute just so long as they're young, but once a certain age has passed it veers into territory the lower-rung gossip rags would climb over themselves to speculate on. 

Four months have passed before Doug realizes that TJ is actually the type of _clean_ that he usually lies about. He hasn't even been drinking, turns down the glasses Grandma fixes for him with a regularity that he's never attuned himself to before, usually carries a bottle of water with him so people don't even think to offer him a drink, his hands full. 

Doug's proud of him. The next time they've got a moment alone Doug crowds him up against TJ's bedroom door, ducking down to kiss him. He's told his mom that he's with Anne, and he's told Anne that he's with his mom; assuring them a few hours to themselves. 

Their height difference has TJ straining upwards to kiss him back, his fingers gripping tight at the fabric of Doug's shirt. Doug's got both of his hands cupped around TJ's cheeks, stroking the skin beneath his eyes with his thumbs. It's been three months since the last time they managed to have sex, nearly two since they last managed to kiss longer than a quick grazing of lips in passing. Doug's missed him, craved him, and he can't wait to get TJ naked. 

"Shit, shit," TJ pants, pulling their mouths apart with a slick noise. "Dougie."

Doug grunts, slides his hands down TJ's face and settles them on his shoulders. TJ's staring up at him with his big eyes and Doug can't help himself, has to shift his head so that he can kiss at TJ's eyelids. TJ sighs and closes his eyes like they're acting out a routine, and in some ways they are. Doug's always loved TJ's face, has always been so grateful that they aren't identical. TJ's eyes have always been Doug's favorite thing about his brother. Even if they weren't twins, didn't have this strange bond, he knows that he'd always be able to read TJ's eyes, the way they're so expressive, unable to lie to Doug no matter what tales TJ's mouth tries to spin. 

"Dougie stop," TJ says, his voice sounding weak, like he doesn't know if he really means it or not. He's never told Doug to stop before, not ever; Doug pulls back from the shock of it more than anything pertaining to the sentiment behind it. 

Doug licks his lips, suddenly nervous, and stares into TJ's eyes, really looks at them. TJ's in love, Doug realizes. TJ's guilty, but Doug doesn't know if it's directed at him or towards this mystery fuck that he's found and managed to talk himself into thinking that he loves, as if he whatever-the-fuck he feels could ever compare to what he and Doug share. Doug keeps staring, his own eyes boring into TJ's. They stand there, breathing heavy, their bodies still pressed tight and curled together, and Doug still _can't fucking tell_ just who TJ feels guilt towards.

⤄

He does his best not to pry, gives TJ some measure of privacy so that he can have his little relationship run its course. It'll end one of two ways, just like all of TJ's relationships do: either the boyfriend will fuck up, or TJ will come to his senses and realize that nobody will love him like Doug does, and he'll dump the loser.

It comes to a head just before Christmas, Doug still in the dark as to whom exactly TJ's entangled with. He and his mother are bitching out some wet behind the ears first-termer who's been a thorn in the sides for months when TJ speaks up to defend the asshole. 

Doug's instantly on alert, feels his hackles rise as he stares at his brother. He can tell his TJ's lying, doing his best to deflect the attention off him as soon as he's realized he's said them. TJ would never read some puff-piece outlining the hopes and dreams of a bullshit Republican nobody, no matter how hot he was. 

It's exactly what Doug's been waiting for. Now he's got a legitimate reason to speed along the demise of TJ's latest disastrous relationship, something that even his mom will undoubtedly get behind him on. If TJ's honestly deluded himself into thinking this relationship of his will work out then Doug knows he's going to need all the help he can get to help him see reality again.

⤄

Doug catches Reeves as he's making his way up the steps of the Hill, phone pressed tight to his ear by one of his shoulders. Doug jogs up behind him and taps him on the shoulder.

"A word," Doug says, nodding his head towards the top of the stairs. 

"I really do need to get to work," Reeves says with a smile, voice pitched low as he points at his phone. "Maybe another time, Hammond?"

Doug's never been one for polite niceties, never mind to people that he neither likes nor respects. He tugs Reeves' phone away from his face and taps the end-call button, tucking it into the pocket of Reeves' starched Oxford. "Yeah, no."

Reeves is taken aback, so it's easy for Doug to grab hold of his elbow and lead him the rest of the way up until they're hidden behind the shade of a column. 

"I know you're fucking my brother," Doug says. "I'm going to need you to stop. I don't care how you end it, but you better fucking do it soon, otherwise your wife finding out will be the least of your worries." He's smiling the entire time he speaks, voice calm and measured just in case anyone's looking their way. "The press has already gotten hold of it, and TJ's rep won't take that much of a hit should it hit the papers; you're the only one with something to lose here, Reeves."

Doug pulls back, standing tall again. He hadn't really noticed that he'd been looming over Reeves, but the other man looks as if the fear of god has finally been instilled into him, so if anything it must have helped. He casually dusts some nonexistent lint off of Reeves' shoulder before saying, "Well, good talk. Try not to fuck up too many peoples lives today," before turning on his heel and making his way back down the Hill.

Later that night he meets up with Collier in the White House parking lot. Doug feels like an idiot, skulking around in the dark like an extra in a B-rate spy flick.

"This," Doug says, shoving a manilla envelope into the Vice President's hands, "is a bargaining chip. No matter what happens, you _never_ got this from me."

He knows that Collier assumes that he's doing this for his mother. Doug, the ruthlessly loyal-yet-practical son, willing to throw his brother's happiness under the bus for political grandstanding. It's about as far from the mark as it gets, but nobody's ever managed to nail down just what he and TJ mean to one another, the all encompassing depth of what they are. 

"You got it," Collier drawls, rolling the words around in his mouth. Doug really hopes that it isn't so dark that Collier can't see him when he rolls his eyes.

⤄

Doug arrives at the hospital a few minutes after TJ's been admitted.

He'd known something was wrong, anxiety and fear roaring up inside of him seemingly out of nowhere; their twin bond urging him to find his brother, to figure out what was wrong. He was halfway to TJ's when his phone lit up with his father's number, frantically telling him to come to the hospital. That TJ had tried to kill himself. 

Doug is the first thing TJ sees when he wakes up, the sight of him bringing TJ to tears, his face crumpling in guilt. 

"I'm sorry," TJ sobs around the coughs that start to wrack his already injured lungs. 

Slowly, Doug rises up from his chair and sits on TJ's bed, gently pulling at his brother's upper body until TJ's half in his lap, his face pressed into Doug's stomach, crying into his shirt. Doug shushes him, runs his fingers through TJ's hair. 

"It's alright," Doug says. "We all make mistakes." Their parents come in right then, followed by a harried looking nurse. "I love you. C'mon, lets get you all patched up so we can get you out of here."

⤄

Their mom doesn't even pretend to argue when Doug says he's taking some time off work to take TJ out of the city. She's still shouldering the guilt from whatever argument her and TJ had before his attempted suicide, meek and docile in all the ways that counteract her nature. Doug would feel bad, but it helps him get what he wants, so he doesn't.

Doug's always been like Bud in that regard. Guilt eats as their mother, makes her shy away from anything or anyone that she's failed. Doug takes his lumps and carries on, doesn't let it change the way he acts, doesn't let guilt hold him back or take away the things he wants. 

Anne's visibly unhappy with his leaving but even she knows better than to begrudge him time with brother after what happened. Doug hugs her quickly as they're loading up the car, makes sure that he comes off as distracted rather than uninterested when she tries to kiss him and he turns away. 

He shuts the passenger door once TJ's settled in his seat and puts on his game face and turns to look at his family. 

"Well. We'll see you when we see you."

⤄

The place he's rented sits along the base of the Appalachians, far from any town, with miles between them and the nearest neighbor. It's the sort of place they used to whisper about when they were teens, somewhere where nobody would care what they got up to because nobody would even really know that they were there.

TJ's body is healed but Doug can't stop himself from babying him. He rushes to get out of his seat and around the car so that he can open TJ's door for him, insists on carrying their bags up the porch and into the house, checks to make sure the fridge and pantry are stocked by himself, shooing TJ towards the bedroom. 

Once Doug's satisfied with their living conditions he joins TJ on the bed, laying down so that his front his flush to TJ's back. They stay like that for a while, breathing in tandem, the rhythm of their heartbeats sinking up naturally, just like they've always done, Doug's just slightly echoing TJ's, always the little brother trailing behind.

"I don't know what I was thinking," TJ says after a while, breaking the silence that's settled around them. "God, Dougie, how could I have been so _stupid_." Doug holds him tighter, doesn't say anything. 

"The shit he said to me," Doug listens as TJ tails off, feels TJ's hair brush against his chin as TJ shakes his head. "The nice shit in the beginning, the shit he said at the end–" 

"Stop," Doug interrupts. He doesn't want to hear this. He doesn't _need_ to hear it, because Sean Reeves is out of their lives for good and there's no reason for TJ to ever think of him again. "It doesn't matter because it was never anything anyway, right? Nothing real. You and me, Teej. That's it. Everything else is just us passing." 

"I'm sorry," TJ says for what has to be the hundredth time. "Dougie, I really thought I loved him. I thought he loved me." TJ sounds so small at the end there, Doug doesn't know what to do. He wants to tell TJ that Reeves was a coward, that if he wasn't to risk his own ruin for TJ then he wasn't worth it. 

"It's my fault," Doug says eventually. "I shouldn't have left you alone for so long. You were lonely and got confused and fell for that asshole's tricks." Doug rearranges them so that TJ's laying flat on his back, Doug looking down at him. "I promise I won't leave you alone like that again, TJ."

It's as close to the truth that Doug's willing to get right now. His cowardice more for TJ's benefit than his own. Doug doesn't regret what he'd done. Even with TJ's near-death, everything worked out and Doug would do it all again. He's got TJ here with him, where he belongs.

⤄

The past two weeks have probably the best of Doug's life.

People have always wanted something from his brother. Doug's always felt like he's had to share TJ, share TJ's happiness, his friendship, his love, his sadness, everyone always doing their best to shove Doug out of the way, their false entitlements making them think that they deserve the pieces of TJ that belong to Doug.

Out here, he's TJ's everything. 

Every morning they wake and eat breakfast together, bathe together, skulking around the property holding hands whenever they feel too cooped up inside. Doug serves as TJ's impromptu NA group, listening to his brothers fear towards his various addictions, his struggles. 

They fuck all over the cabin, TJ bending him over the couch and Doug returning the favor on top of the kitchen table. They even have sex in the woods a few times, spreading out a blanket and staring up at the canopy of trees as they seek absolution in the joining of their bodies. 

Sometimes they'll go days without talking, so in sync that words aren't needed. They move around one another like a well oiled machine. The few times they have found the need to speak, TJ's taken to using the twin language they made up as kids. The first few days they'd been rusty, racking their minds to remember syntaxes that only ever existed and made sense in their heads. After a few days it was like they were three years old again, fluent in a language that they'd long thought dead.

It's everything he's ever wanted. He's found himself daydreaming up ways that they can stay like this forever. The world outside of the two of them have always been so cruel to TJ. The press outing him, their parents ever-failing marriage, the drugs, his litany of shitty boyfriends; each part of society always seemingly out to ruin TJ's life, to break his spirit. Doug wants more than anything to keep him safe and secluded out here in the wilderness, waiting for Doug to return to him at the end of each day so they can pick up on being wrapped up in one another. 

"I'm the one who told Collier about Reeves," Doug says one night. The red glow emitting from the clock sitting on their shared nightstand says that it's three in the morning. Neither of them have been able to fall asleep for some reason. Outside of their little nest of blankets the bedroom is freezing, the small excuse for a flame in the fireplace needing to be stoked and rekindled, but neither of them are willing to get up and face the cold to do it.

TJ sighs, long and drawn out. "I figured."

Doug nods. TJ's always been too trusting and quick to place his feelings in other's hands. He's naive and fragile, but the one thing he isn't is stupid. 

Doug knows that he should keep his mouth shut, and yet still he finds himself saying, "It just wasn't right. You shouldn't love someone else like that." His breathing starts picking up. Doug feels himself getting worked up, angry. "Jesus TJ, you tried to fucking kill yourself. How could you leave me like that? What the fuck am I supposed to do without you?"

TJ rolls on top of him, presses Doug's body down on the bed. Doug's taller, but TJ's always been the bulkier of the two of them, putting on muscle in the places where it counts whereas Doug's only ever managed a swimmers build at best, and he hasn't been the to gym far too long, his body gone soft. TJ's weight settles him, brings him back to the present. He brings his arms up and grasps tightly at TJ's back, pulling them tighter together, makes it so TJ's weight is making it hard for Doug to breathe.

"He was just another fucking drug," Doug says into TJ's shoulder, his damp lips catching on TJ's cold skin. "You've never even fucking O.D.'d on drugs, Teej. What the fuck was so special about him?"

⤄

At the end of the month they're forced to go back to the District, all good things coming to an end.

Anne meets them at their mother's and Doug can't bring himself to kiss her, the taste of TJ still lingering in his mouth something he isn't willing to give up. As they drive back to their place Doug begins to feel his skin crawl. He wonders if this is what withdrawals feel like. At a red light he slips out his phone and sends TJ a quick message, ignoring the way that Anne tuts at him as she scans the area for any police cars. 

**when can I have my next fix of you?**

⤄

Doug doesn't pay any special attention when his mom slips into his office and shuts the door, too busy reading over the proposed changes to a bill they're sponsoring.

"Douglas, a moment," her voice is what makes him pause, dread beginning to curl up in the pit of his stomach. He'd seen TJ during the weekend prior, last spoke to him the morning when they'd exchanged good morning texts. He'd been _fine_ , surely nothing had happened to him within the last five or six hours?

"What is it," his voice cracks midway through, and he clears his throat, blinking hard a few times to clear up his suddenly hazy vision. He finds himself praying to a god he's never believed in, promising anything for TJ to be okay.

"It's about Anne," she says and Doug is so relieved that he can't even be bothered to hide it, the way his body completely relaxes, uncaring for whatever complaint Anne's pressed upon his mother. 

"Sorry, what is it?" Doug asks, noticing his mothers confused frown, doing his best to save face. "I thought it was going to be about TJ and my mind instantly went to the worst case scenario." 

She actually reaches up to press a hand against her chest as she says, "Oh _Doug_ ," in her most horrified voice. "No, I'm sorry. No, it's nothing like that. It's just," she hesitates for a few beats before shaking her head and walking to his desk. "Google her name. I don't even know how to tell you, it's so ghastly and invading."

Doug does as he's told and the first three stories listed all boast an expose of Anne Ogami's eating disorder. They aren't gossip sites either, the Daily News and Post covering a harrowing tale of problems the girlfriend of the ex-First Son has been hiding. 

"Anne has bulimia?" Doug says, speaking mostly to himself.

"You didn't know?" His mom's frowning at him and Doug can't help but feel defensive.

"No, mom, I don't follow her around all fucking day. How in the hell was I supposed to know? Is it my damn fault too?" His mind's reeling with how he's going to have to spin this, factoring in all the time he'll have to make being supportive in public and how that'll cut into his work-time, his TJ-time.

"No, I'm not saying that. I'm sorry," She genuinely seems chastised, reaching a hand up to brush at Doug's hair, trying to calm him. "I'd thought that maybe you'd confided in TJ while you guys were out there healing. I thought that he knew, but maybe I was wrong." 

"How would TJ know?" Doug asks, confused. 

"The reporters managed to bully a comment out of him and it made me think that you told him, but I must have been reading too much into it."

Doug opens up a few of the articles in different tabs, skimming through them hoping to find TJ's interview. 

"It just leaked about an hour ago, I can't imagine how they tracked him down that fast," Elaine continues, but Doug ignores her, eyes flicking around the screen. "I'm just glad they found him instead of Mom. God, can you imagine?" 

Doug finally spots TJ's video and his mom quiets down once he clicks play, both of them staring at the screen. 

TJ's back is to the camera, the reporters calling out his name. Doug can tell that he's up to something instantly, his gait too measured, too uninterested. TJ loves to fuck with the press, would ask them what they wanted, joke about them knowing about his scandals before even he himself hears about them. This is what TJ looks like when he's had someone tell the press where he is on purpose, when he wants to have his say on something but doesn't want it to come across as conniving, fame whoring. 

Finally TJ breaks and turns, listens to the questions pressed at him and sighs, long and drawn out, feigning shock and disappointment. He shrugs a bit before saying, "Broken people, guys. What do you want me to say? Hard to love because they don't love themselves. But you don't really deserve love until you love yourself, you know?" He pauses, and it's all so obvious to Doug, but when he glances at his mom he can see that she's eating it up just as much as the reporters are, hanging on TJ's every word. _He's lying_ , Doug thinks to himself. _What are you getting out of this, TJ?_

TJ starts to smile at the camera, a sad, self-depreciating one. "I would know, right?" It's then that Doug realizes what TJ's doing, has to bite back a smile so that his mom doesn't notice that something's up. "Too bad for Annie that Doug already has me to deal with. I'm his, you know? His to deal with. Luck of the draw, I guess. She'll have to find somebody else to fix her."

⤄

His mom tells Doug to take the day off and go see Anne. On the drive home Doug tries to call TJ, but he doesn't pick up, not even after Doug's third attempt.

He's barely even made it through the door when Anne springs herself on him, eyes red, her face flushed from the crying she's obviously been doing. 

"Your brother called me," she says, voice shaking. "He told me that it was over between me and you, and then this fucking story leaks. That it's what's _best_ for me! What the fuck, Doug?" 

Doug reaches for her face, cups her cheeks in his hands, and works a bit of Hammond-brand bullshitting so well that even his father would be proud. 

"He's got friends in the media, babe. They probably tipped him off. But he's right, Annie."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Anne veers back and looks at him like he's lost his mind. She stalks across the apartment, putting the couch between herself and him. "I have a scandal and you fucking drop me, seriously Doug?"

"This isn't about bad press," Doug stresses. It is. "This isn't even about you and me. Annie, I love you." He doesn't. "You've been dealing with this and I couldn't even tell. You're always going to be in the spotlight with me. It doesn't make sense for us to put you through this when you've obviously got issues." He can spot the moment when she realizes that she needs to leave him, to find help for herself outside of the media's microscope. At the same time she flinches, her eyes breaking the contact they'd been holding with his, Doug's words hurting her. It's exactly what he wants.

⤄

Doug rides with Anne on her way to the airport, the two of them sitting silently in the back of one of the Secret Services' unmarked cars. He doesn't bother to get out once they arrive, leaving it to their driver to help Anne get her bags out from the trunk.

On the way back the screen of his phone lights up with a text. When Doug glances at the screen he sees that it's from TJ, asking him to come over. He leans forwardsand tells his driver to head to his brother's instead.

TJ's waiting outside for him when they pull up. Doug's got the window rolled down, enjoying the the clarity D.C.'s cold winter air gives his mind, and he waves at his brother, smiling when TJ waves back. 

"You're off duty," Doug tells the driver as he unbuckles his seatbelt, popping the door open. "I'll just sleep here." They exchange goodnights and the car drives off before Doug even reaches his brother, TJ tossing his arm across Doug's shoulders, dragging his head down so their gazes are level. Doug shakes his head at the smile stretched across TJ's face. 

They stand shoulder to shoulder inside the elevator, staring at the numbers getting higher and higher as they make their way up to TJ's floor. 

"I didn't actually let Reeves' story leak, you know," Doug can't stop himself from saying, amused. "She'll never be able to escape this." Not that Doug cares, really. 

TJ gives him an unimpressed look, keeps his mouth shut, but Doug can tell that he doesn't care all that much either. TJ probably would've gone after her harder if he'd had more time to dig. Would've ruined her entire life, just to prove a point and get what he wants.

Once they're inside his place he crowds Doug against the door, tugging at the lapels of Doug's coat to get Doug to stoop down so that they're of a similar height. 

"No more," TJ tells him, his voice serious. "I'm it for you. We'll keep our heads down and nobody will notice."

"You're it for me," Doug agrees, stares into his brother's eyes as he nods. It's dangerous, risky, could ruin more than just their own lives if someone so much as started to suspect, but the thought of TJ never touching, kissing, _fucking_ another guy has him hooked. Doug's never been able to deny TJ anything, even if it means hurting people or risking everything just to give it to him. 

Worse, he's never been able to deny himself TJ.


End file.
